you’ve got stool

Postbox in Weimar (don't have a photo of a Munich postbox)

It all started this last summer. There were a few mentions of it in the local paper, but you could tell they didn’t want to say too much. Give too many details. Their concern regarding copycat incidents was understandable. You don’t want to give people ideas.

Someone in the Munich area has been sending more than the mail in local postboxes. The Deutsche Post has discovered faeces in their bright yellow receptacles. First they thought it was dog waste, but they’ve looked into the matter, and it turns out that this is manmade.

Here, I’ll let you read what I found about this in English: Crappy correspondence confounds Munich.

As they say in the article, ‘…the errant stool…has caused thousands of dollars in damage and much aggravation.’ This one’s almost writing itself.

Why on earth am I even telling you about all this? You’re trying to eat your breakfast or whatever and you open up what up until now has been a relatively refined and thought-provoking blog, and what’s he talking about? Poop in the chute? The postman always wipes twice?

Well, that reserved blogging is behind us. If you read the article to the end you’ll see that they’re offering a €4,000 reward. I’ll be able to buy all the Bavarian Weißwurst I want with that kind of dosh.

Here’s where you come in. You’ve watched those Profiler shows, right? Where they come up with a motive and zero in on the killer? Yes, that kind. But here there’s no murder. It’s property damage. Rather than ‘you’ve got mail’ it’s ‘you’ve got poop’ (thanks @piisalie  in Oklahoma City). This is serious stuff.

I need you to help me come up with a profile. What sort of person would shove his own excrement back into such a tight space? Maybe it started as a prank, and it was just too much fun. Which begs the question: Who would find such a thing fun? These are Profiler questions-pay attention folks.

So now it’s up to you. I’ve been very impressed with the player participation on this non-teablog thus far. From Jim w (@blogginglily) the nicest troll to ever muck up an early blogpost and trailblazer1‘s excellent research skills in finding out more about Benedetto Cotrugli and Double-Entry Bookkeeping, all the way through to Lisa Galaviz introducing us to the wonders of truckballs (http://southern4x4.com/images/Truck%20Nutz.jpg).

You readers are an eclectic and industrious lot. Now? Let’s go catch us the perpetrator of all this Poop Mail.

updated version:

Ok, I’m going to build a composite based on your excellent profiling skills (I’ll work from the last ones backwards):

If he’s been eating carrots or sweet corn, we’re going to know about it. Not sure about what I’d actually be looking for if I staked out a supermarket…individuals buying sweet corn? Or carrots? That seems like a stretch, but otherwise…uh…an interesting lead Lisa.

From what inkstainedpaws has deduced, he’s a mentally ill adolescent. Ok, looks like we’re getting somewhere. If he’s buying sweet corn or carrots, we’ve almost got him cornered.

Our good friend Lewin has also gone down the digestive tract of leads, as it were. Once the Bavarian authorities let me near the evidence, we’ll be well on our way. lucysfootball offered her assistance, I magnanimously said I’d share my Weißwurst, but we’ve heard nothing else from the dear lady. She clearly has no idea how delicious the Weißwurst is. Come on lucysfootball. We could use your valuable hands-on attention.

Some of you were rather proficient at this whole Profiler thing. Patrick doubts the perpetrator’s using his own fecal material, and is sure the guys making a point about modern society’s filth. Why he’d drive an upmarket vehicle, I don’t know. But on the other hand, why not? Clean-shaven, married, once-divorced financial market worker. Wow…it’s like we’ve already caught the bastard. Thanks Patrick. Hope you like Weißwurst. Hope no CSU functionaries actually read this. Their notorious good sense of humour will probably fail in this situation.

Canzonett makes a good point that this is most definitely a man, as Lewin does later. No one seriously thinks this is a lady. If it is, in fact, a woman, she’s been crazy like a fox. And blogginglily quite logically believes that this can all be attributed to anger with the sewage/waste department. An unpaid bill or some sort of unbelievable slight on him that the city services have unknowingly committed.

All of you should start preparing the celebrations. This fellow is most definitely getting nervous as we close in on him.